Excerpt from "It's Not That Complicated"

Source: http://visionarydaughters.com/2011/11/excerpt-from-its-not-that-complicated

We’re excited to share with you a number of excerpts from our new book. These next few chunks were pulled from “Chapter Seven: The Heart: Victim or Perpetrator? Getting Your Heart to Follow YOU.”

Emotional Purity Revisited

We’re very grateful for the groundwork that has been laid by the Emotional Purity advocates, people who first began to seriously address the problem of handing out bits of our heart with reckless abandon. We, for two, needed to hear about the concept of guarding our hearts, keeping our emotions under control, and being faithful to our future husbands in thought and deed. But we believe this foundation needs a little more built onto it. For many, the concept raised more questions than it answered.

As one girl wrote to us: “My friend + i hav both decided that wee r neva goin 2 d8 + we want our 1st kiss 2 b on our weddings. …[but] i was tellin sum of my friends @ school about the decisions ive made and another question came up, is it wrong to have a crush on a guy? my friend says that you can’t control whether u have a crush on sum1 or not and im not 100 % sure how 2 answer that. Can u guys help?”

Once the idea of emotional purity is introduced, the questions breed like rabbits. “Can you keep from having crushes?” “Is it wrong to have a crush?” “When is it technically a crush, anyway?” “Whatever it is, is it a sin?” “Will they come back to bite me later?” “Will each crush that I’ve had make me love my future husband less?” “Do I need to go find and marry the first boy that I ever liked?” “Did the crushes I had when I was two count against my emotional purity, or do they only start to count at age 13? Is there a crushing age of accountability?” “I’ve given away my heart so many times – is it too late for me to even care?”

To those on the outside, these sorts of questions might sound like silly wranglings over definitions to see what we can get away with, or the perfect ten in female ditziness. But these questions are actually legitimate, and the confusion a big deal, because at the heart of it, we’re talking about our moral responsibilities. When we don’t understand our actual moral responsibilities in this area, we can feel ridden with guilt over things that aren’t actually wrong, and completely unpricked by things that are. We can have a fatalistic “It’s too late to guard my heart because I’ve already botched things so badly” attitude towards doing right in the future. And we can develop an unbiblical fear of doing the things we are actually commanded to do.

We torture ourselves over quandaries like, “At exactly what point in my thought process did my favorable thoughts towards a young man turn into sin? Did I cross the line when I started naming our imaginary future children? …or was it back when I was wondering what color the bridesmaids’ shoes should be? How about when I first admired what a servant’s heart he has?”

We ask the wrong question when we ask, “Is having a crush a sin?” The Bible doesn’t actually say, and the reason is because “emotional purity” is a made-up moral category. And it’s giving a lot of us feelings of (unbiblical) guilt for committing some dreadful nebulous crime that there is no definition for, when the answer would actually be very clear if we phrased the question using biblical terms. There are plenty of real moral categories for real sins – like lust, covetousness, idolatry, fear of man, vain imaginations, and presumptuous sins. How much clearer would things be if we would just go ahead and say, “I’ve made an idol out of a young man; is that wrong?” or, “I’m having lustful thoughts for this guy – is that a sin?”

The Bible gives plenty of clear commands, both positive and negative: Guard your heart. Love the brethren from a pure heart. Think on what is pure and what is true. Don’t covet. Don’t lust. Have self-control. Take every thought captive. Going against any of these clear commands is a sin. This should answer our questions.

See? Now it’s not that complicated again.
…..

Conquering Love

But keeping our love in its proper place is easier said than done. Our hearts want to love. They want to fasten themselves to someone. As woman was taken from the side of man, she yearns to be restored to the side of man. We’ve all known since our highchair days that that’s where we belong. We’re wired to find them fascinating, attractive, and loveable. This is why one of young women’s biggest struggles is keeping that desire to love under control.

A girl once wrote to us, “For a long time I have struggled with unrequited love. I just cannot get over this one young man I know. I love him, but it seems that God has just not ordained that he should love me in return, and I am having the hardest time trying to accept that.”

There is no pain quite like realizing that what we desire most is not what God desires to give us – a pain we’re both keenly familiar with.

The truth is hard to accept, especially when we’re hurting, realizing that we made a mistake when we staked our hopes, our futures, our love, on someone who had no commitment to us in return. The girls who write us such emails are hoping for advice on how to get the young man to return their feelings, but truly the kindest (and hardest) thing we can tell them is this: that their own affections are out of place to begin with. The earlier girls would realize this, the more pain they would be spared. Love doesn’t have to go out of control and harm us. The young men God has placed in our lives don’t have to be sources of pain and heartache. There is a better way. And it requires learning to set boundaries for our own feelings.

But even those who recognize that little schoolgirl crushes are immature and fruitless can still wonder, “Is it wrong to deeply, sincerely desire a young man who is really worthy? One we could really marry?”
One thing our father taught us is that it’s not wrong to respect and admire a godly young man; not even to realize we could marry a man like him. But our legitimate and pure-hearted regard crosses the line into out-of-place love when we stray into one or more of these five mistakes:

1. Seeking our will above God’s

God already has a plan for what must happen with you and every young man you know. In His grand design, He knows who should be married to whom in order for His will to be accomplished, and your duty is to embrace that design as surely as you embrace God Himself. If we really, truly, sincerely love God’s ways, we will be able to do the impossible: Rejoice even if God gives Brandon to someone else, and take joy in the plan He has for us instead. Whenever we feel that we would not be happy with God’s will being done on earth as it is in heaven, if that will is different from ours, we’re out of place. If a young man becomes more important to us than God’s will and preferences, he has officially become an idol.

2. Thinking we have a claim over the young man

It doesn’t matter how much we think we understand him, appreciate him, love him, deserve him – if we do not have his ring on our finger, he is not ours. In God’s bigger plan, this young man we’re lavishing so much devotion on might be another woman’s husband. And we might be another man’s wife. If there is no marital commitment, we don’t belong to one another.

Our love may feel pure, perfect, transcendent – but once it lights on a brother in Christ and says “He’s mine – hands off,” it has become selfish, possessive, and jealous. And this is part of the reason we need to resist crushes – because they’re incompatible with real love. That’s right – real love for the young man, and also the people around us. Do we truly love Brandon, enough to want the very best for him? Enough to want something better for him than… us? (If we truly cared about a fellow, would we necessarily think, “Brandon is so amazing… he needs a really special girl. I know! Me! Why, he couldn’t do better!”) How about the other girls? Do we love Amber enough to hope that she will also get a really amazing husband? Even if it’s… Brandon? (“But she can’t have him! Ideserve him!”) If we love the other girls around us, it really will change the way we love the other boys. Because true love conquers all – even crushes.

3. Forgetting who the man is

We’ve all heard it a thousand times, and yet we still forget: It’s the man’s job to choose, the woman’s job to be chosen. And no amount of active searching and window-shopping on our part will actually make our chosen chooser choose us any faster. Wrapping ourselves up in a bow and throwing ourselves at his feet doesn’t count as letting him be the initiator, either. It’s hard to feel powerless, but now is our time to learn patience and trust, to be at peace with the fact that it’s the man’s call. For a girl to “pick” a young man who may never be an option for her is presumptuous, at best. It can be asking for heartbreaking disappointment, at worst.

4. Building castles in the sky

The truth is, we open the door for heart wrenching pain when we stake all of ourselves, all of our thoughts, our whole world – on something that we have no guarantee will happen. Even in a courtship-type situation, when the young man’s interest is certain, it doesn’t guarantee that your future with him is. God may still have other plans (Jas. 4:13-15), and it’s best to be emotionally prepared for them.

5. Letting your brain go out the window

…as our father always put it. Dad taught us that when you’re facing one of the biggest decisions of your life is the time when you most need your wits about you. We all know infatuation is blinding; during this season of getting to know young men as friends, and especially in the next season of getting to know one of them as a potential husband, we will need to have our minds prepared for action (1 Pet. 1:13) and our eyes wide open.

Moreover, as appealing as it may sound, we shouldn’t expect God to lead us through our infatuations. Our hearts, feelings, “intuitions,” and romantic inclinations can all be wrong, no matter how strong they are or how right they feel. One friend of ours was so convinced that her feelings for a particular young man were a sign from the Lord, that she wouldn’t let them go even after his engagement to someone else. On his wedding day, she confronted him for going against the will of God, and told him it was still his destiny to marry her. Obviously, her feelings weren’t proof of anything but the fact that… she had feelings. God leads us through the truths in Scripture, not though our fickle human hearts.

We learned a lot from watching our dear friend – now sister-in-law –Nadia face all five of these temptations. It wasn’t long after Nadia became one of our family’s closest friends that she realized our older brother David was exactly the kind of man she had been praying for. As she describes it, “I was gripped by his humility and purity of heart before the Lord and his passion for proclaiming the Word of God.” She’d never met another man she thought she could help, follow, and complete as well. And yet… she had no guarantee that David was really the man God had chosen for her. Any girl in this situation would be tempted to check out from reality, fixating, wishing, speculating, wondering, hoping… To place her happiness in the contingency that it would work out. To view the young man as “hers.”

But Nadia knew the battle in her heart that she had to fight and win had nothing to do with David. It had to do with finding her satisfaction in God alone. She knew that no matter what happened – even if she married David – she could not be happy until she learned to love God more, know Him better, and desire His will over her own, even if His will for her future didn’t include David. She wanted to learn to love David rightly and desire what was best for him, regardless of whether it would involve her or not. She wanted to be focused on reality – growing and working to be more like Christ and serve Him in the here and now – not distracted by possibilities or fantasies.

Some girls think if there’s a chance the relationship could work out, they should hold on to their infatuations… just in case they were to need those feelings someday. The angst in their hearts isn’t even over “I just can’t stop loving him!” but “Should I stop, or shouldn’t I?” In Nadia’s mind, the question was “Are these feelings right before God, right now? Am I putting my hope in marrying David, or in God? Has my sisterly regard crossed the line into idolatry?”
….

Wash Me and I Shall Be Whiter Than Snow

Some girls fear that they will have permanent scars from mistakes they have made. They fear that part of them is gone and they can never be made whole again. But the concept of inner purity deals more with the present state of the heart, the mind, and the affections than it does with the past. What we need to be doing is developing a state of heart and mind that is self-controlled and faithful to one man. It’s never too late to repent and do what’s right.

Going back to Ephesians, we see that the Church of Christ was not naturally pure, but had to be sanctified and cleansed “by the washing of water with the word” (Eph. 5:26) before she was ready to be presented before her Groom. David cried, “Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” (Ps. 51:7) Being clean means having been washed. Being pure means being purified – tested, matured, and refined by fire.

More than that, it means being forgiven. Our hearts, if not the rest of us, have all played the harlot, committed murder, and sinned against God. But what did Jesus tell the woman taken in adultery? “Go, and sin no more.” The same love that was extended to her has been extended to us by the same Savior. “If we confess our sins,” says 1 John 1:9, “he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

When Christ saves us, He gives us His righteousness so the Father can accept us as righteous and see us as completely pure – as He is. This is the essence of forgiveness in Christ, which makes us clean in God’s sight. If we have been purified by Christ, we need to learn to dwell in this forgiveness rather than dwell on our former impurity. So think about your future, ladies, not your past. We should live every day in the comforting assurance of this position, and in a way that honors the Savior who bled and died to exalt us to such a place! Once you understand your forgiveness in Christ, you will be able to think and act like a pure woman, and your future husband will be able to truly see you as such.

In King David, we see a heart that was already “after God’s own heart,” but still needed constant maintenance. We should take a lesson from the way he cried out to God in the Psalms to give him continual heart surgery: “Let… the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD.” (Ps. 19:14) And after his affair with Bathsheba: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Ps. 51:10)

Some girls have fallen so deeply for someone in the past that they feel they’ve lost that part of their heart forever. But does he own real estate in your heart, or is he just a squatter? We say we can’t get that part of our heart back, but it’s not gone. It’s still in us – still generating special thoughts and feelings for that someone, cherishing sentimental longings and wistful regrets, not letting go. But we can get this corner back. As with conquering sin, this could require taking a knife and cutting away a part of our life. It’s not easy, and it’s not painless – but it’s not impossible. The most emotional, impulsive, anxious, romantic, or vulnerable girl is not powerless to rule this area of her life. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us how:

Do not be anxious about anything

Not even Brandon.

but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

He hears your cries for a godly husband.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding

He can envelop even the most stressful, anxious area of our lives with His peace.

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This is why it’s possible to guard our hearts and minds: because He makes it possible.

Deepest Prayer of my Heart - I wonder too. I pray.

"My life is but a weaving, betwixt the Lord and me, I do not choose the color --He worketh steadily. He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride, Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside. Not tilll the loom is silent, and the shuttle cease to fly, shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why. The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned." 

(Grant Colfox Tullar)

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him."

2 Chronicles 16:9

I just want to share the wisdom that God has shared to me yesterday:

Waiting might be hard. However, it is not the result that we are after. When we wait, we discover God's dream and God's will. And most of all, we get to know Him, His ways, and His heart. That is much more precious than the result. The result may be forgotten as life goes on but our relationship with Him and our knowledge of Him will never vanish.

We ought not to compromise to keep a man because the man who's worth it won't need you to compromise for him to stay.

You can do so much in life but without God, you are nothing. Without God, it will all just be a heavy load. But with God, He gives you the power and grace to do what He has called you to do.

This world is harsh. Thank God I don't belong here. This is not, this is not my home.

The best thing about following God's will is that HE IS THERE. That is more than enough. Would we want to be away from Him? Wouldn't we rather be with Him? The truth is, He is all we need.

Does everything we do build His kingdom or build the kingdom for ourselves? Or perhaps lets me rephrase it: Are we building on the Kingdom that cannot be shaken and destroyed? Or are we building on the kingdom that can?

Charles Spurgeon on Obedience

"You are God’s creature, and yet you have rendered to Him no obedience! You would
not keep a horse or a dog that did not do you some service, or follow at your whistle."

“Sir,” said the Duke of Wellington to an officer of engineers, who urged the
impossibility of executing the directions he had received, “I did not ask your opinion,
I gave you my orders, and I expect them to be obeyed.” Such should be the obedience
of every follower of Jesus. The words which he has spoken are our law, not our
judgments or fancies. Even if death were in the way it is—

“Not ours to reason why—
Ours, but to dare and die;”

"That obedience which is not voluntary is disobedience, for the Lord looketh at the
heart, and if He seeth that we serve Him from force, and not because we love Him,
He will reject our offering."

"Some Christians are very curious, but not obedient. Plain precepts are neglected,
but difficult problems they seek to solve."

"Do what the Lord bids you, where he bids you, as he bids you, as long as he bids you,
and do it at once."

"Love is the chief jewel in the bracelet of obedience."

"Obedience rendered without delight in rendering it is only half obedience."

"It seems to me that half the beauty of obedience consists in obeying the command at
once."

"Which is the best servant—the man who must always have his orders written for
him every morning, and who at night excuses himself for the neglect of many an
obvious duty because, as he says, “It was not down on the paper, sir; I have followed
your instructions,”—is he the better servant, or the other man who thinks, after he
has obeyed his orders, “What ought I to do for my master? Is there not this thing, or
that thing which, though it may not be absolutely recorded or written down, yet is
intended in the spirit of my instructions?” Do you not love the child who looks out for
occasions and opportunities to please you? Do you not feel a satisfaction in accepting
from a friend a kindness which may be almost unexpected, and which manifests to
you that he must have been thinking about you, and has, perhaps, lain awake all
night to consider how he could gratify or serve you? You feel that this is sincere
friendship. So is it with your service for God."

"No man is really saved unless he is in his heart obedient to Christ."

"Obedience is one of the lessons of wisdom which this age needs to learn, for
everybody must be master or mistress nowadays. We all desire to rule, and we all feel
that we could do it far better than the present leaders are doing it."

My World is Brighter Because of You

Facing the window as the gentle snow falls down from the sky. How beautiful! What a beautiful moment to reflect and write... How God loves details!

For the past 7 years, I remembered crying every birthday. For some reason, there are reasons that just makes me cry. Maybe for one, I was away from my family. Second, there were expectations that didn't materialize. This year, I said, it will be the best birthday ever. So I took the chance to just stay at home and spend some time with the Lord. It has been beautiful. I coulnd't help but cry as I can feel His love towards my life.

A week ago, I was thinking about my birthday and how I wanted it to be. Do I really know what will make me happy? The truth is, I really don't. So I reflected on my life and how it was for the past year and the past month. Life is good. REALLY really good! I can say that this has been the BEST season of my life. I am really happy and at times I couldn't explain my happiness. I am happy not because everything is doing just fine. I am happy not because I have everything I want. Actually it's quite the contrary. Everything is not doing smoothly as the world may describe it and I don't have everything I want.

But you know something, life doesn't have to be smooth and easy for one to be happy. The quality of life and our joy doesn't depend upon that.

As the years go by, I have learned that in this life, nothing will ever be "perfect". Nothing in this world will last forever. No one will always be good to you. Nothing will ALWAYS go the way you want it to go. One of the things that matter in this life is who we are really and whose we are. Then our perspective depends on that.

As I reflect in my life and just thinking how happy I am, I wouldn't be who I am now without the people that has become a part of my life. So I just want to take this opportunity to write a tribute to each of you. I am very grateful to God for EVERYTHING He has given me including the gift of YOU in my life - those who love me and hurt me. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

I thank you for your time. I thank you for sharing what you have. I thank you for every kind and harsh word. I thank you for sharing a part of you to me. I thank you for wiping my tears and I thank you for making me cry. I thank you for your encouragement and I thank you for the hurtful words. I thank you for prayers and I thank you for persecutions. I thank you because through all these, I was challenged and then I was drawn closer to Jesus more and more. I thank you for the hurtful words and actions because through these, I am cleansed by my own selfishness and immaturity and therefore all those things that can be shaken has been removed and I was drawn to death of SELF and drawn closer to life in Christ. Thank you very much!

I thank you for all those who love me. You made me feel very special. You made me see that there is hope in life, that God's love is still present in this world. You are also very special to me. and I treasure you for the rest of my life.

I really thank you for making a big difference in my life. To each of you, I pray that God will bless you even more! He is faithful and trustworthy. He is who He says He is!

I have the best birthday ever! Praise God!

God bless you!

His Faithfulness Alive: Dream Once Again

A big part of my life is gone. Such a loss broke my heart. My dreams were shattered. I was in tears for weeks and months. I knew I made the right decision to leave it behind for God. I knew I had to give it up. But why does it have to hurt so bad? Why does it have to linger for months and months? Can the pain just disappear and may I at least feel that I am happy I made that decision? Why do I have to hurt this much? I didn't ask those questions literally but most days I would cry out saying, "It is so hard, Lord!" Although it wasn't as hard as before, it was still hard. There were nights that I fear tomorrow. There were days when my heart was gripped with fear for what is going to happen.

BUT God...

God is faithful! His grace sustained me when I was at my weakest! Although I felt pain and fear, I never gave up. I never felt any regret! Then, God has brought people in my life to encourage me and  give me hope. God brought people into my life to stand by me in prayer without them knowing everything I was going through. God brought situations that brought me more to Him. People around me didn't even know what I was going through but they spoke to me in ways that really encouraged me. I knew that was God in them. I knew that this is for God and although it hurt so much, I didn't want God to take it out of my life. Rather, I wanted Him to take me through the journey of healing and restoration and getting out of it is not the way - as He taught. I remember one day I was in the train, I told God, "Lord, I wanted to go through this with You. I wanted to take this path until we reach the end of the tunnel." There is a light that glimmers at the end of the tunnel. and although it is far, we will get there some day. For now (then), I will travel this tunnel with Him. It wasn't easy but I tell you, it is WORTH it.

So daily, God showed His mercy. He showed His faithfulness through little things. He has brought so many things into my life including more opportunities to reach out to people. I will list them here:

1. By September, God gave me the opportunity to tutor Rose Anne, an eight year old girl who is having difficulty with school. I was hesitant at first and I was also scared. But in my mind, this will be a good opportunity to reach the family for Jesus Christ. But you know what? I am more blessed to be there! First, God has restored my gift of teaching. (That is another story.) Second, they feed me there a lot! Everytime I go there, they feed me with home-cooked food. God is restoring my health! They also give me a lot of food to take home. I am gaining weight! Third, He gave the heart and love for children. How I love them and how I daily see their preciousness and delight! It is beautiful. Fourth, I was blessed with a car to use. Her mom lend me the car so I can go to their house easily and leave anytime. I have a car now without having to pay for it and for its insurance. Then I get to practice driving. God is restoring my skill. Then I get to go to work during holidays and go to church even if I am alone. I can go to stores if I need to. Talking about God answering your needs that you don't even know about. Fourth, I get to build relationships with other children and other people. Fifth, they showered me with so much love, especially Rose Anne. Everytime I am with her, I forget everything I am going through. I am so loved. I am so blessed. This is only the beginning. The best is yet to come!

2. September was by the best month of my life before December came. Friendships were restored and new friendships came into my life. Friendships became so precious to me. Friendships became deeper and more meaningful. I treasure it more and more. I never knew how much I have missed in this life when I was squandering my life in bondage. I can say there is really so much more to life. We don't have to live in the dark. There is life! I met a lot of new people that really touched my life and I still keep in touch with them.

3. God brought me to places. I went to CEF - Explore Weekend in October for free. I met a dear sister in Christ. I treasure that too! That was a wonderful time of revelation and refreshment. I have seen God in there. That was just a start. Last month, God faithfully showed again. I registered for the classes with CEF. God is really moving. The money I got from tutoring (you see!) I used to pay for the registration and the books! I am very excited. God has given me more opportunities to reach the community with the Gospel. Tune in the next months!

4. Children's ministry. Yes. I will be serving with the Pre-k in Church. It is official now. Another blessing with having a car! How awesome!

5. Teaching. Teaching. Teaching. Teaching at work and teaching one-on-one. I now go to somebody to teach Microsoft Office. I can practice my skill in teaching and save a little money. Praise God!

6. Entwined Hope. Two months ago, we started a new ministry. Story here
7. More of Jesus. A lot of revelations about Him and from Him. That in itself is trully splendid! No words could ever describe how much of a beauty it is to discover God and His ways...

And more... I have more to say! One day, God spoke:

"But forget all that—
      it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
"For I am about to do something new.
      See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?" Isaiah 43:18-19

Wow! I was wowed by His faithfulness. One day, I found my self dreaming again. That was very memorable. It was fresh and sweet! I dreamt again. Then I surrendered again to His hands.

He promised: "I will never leave you nor forsake." Hebrews 13:5 Yes, He will not. When you say "Yes" to God, He will show you more of Him, more of His power and more of His faithfulness. He will take you to places you have never been before. You will experience Him more. I am not saying that there will be no trials and pain. There will be. But despite all that, there is peace and joy when we look unto Him for everything. There is victory. There is assurance. There is HOPE. God is faithful.

I can say this by experience, He is alive. He is FAITHFUL. He is TRUSTWORTHY. He is POWERFUL.

Take Him by His word. When He says He will do it, He will. When He says He is that, HE IS! No shadows nor doubts. Take it as it is because HE IS WHO SAYS HE IS.

Praise God for healing and restoration. I dream once again...